The truth is I don't know me. Well sometimes I do or at least I think I do and then like a slap in the face my mind turns on me and I start travelling in a total different direction. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar I. I actually think of it as someone giving a name to my madness. I am setting up a new blog that is coming from me.
My whole life I have only shown what people wanted me to. I can't help trying to figure out what people want me to say and saying it. I guess I feel that if I always said what I thought I would have been committed a long time ago. Maybe it is just because I hate explaining myself. I hate saying that I am sad and not knowing why. People just don't understand that I can be floating on cloud nine and the next wishing there was a way to kill myself without damaging my husband and kids. I feel like for so many years my mind has tortured me to the point of no return that my true self is locked up screaming to get out by find myself wandering in blackness.
Since my diagnosis I see three psychologists on a weekly basis that try to get my meds right and keeping my from going off the deep end. Sadly the deep end for me is like a wick burning at two ends. I can either go down which is way down not being able to live with myself to way up where I go a period of time in an altered mania the permanently damages all who know me. I take medicine that makes me gain weight and also feel lifeless sometimes and it is often a struggle but then I think of my kids and my wonderful husband and I continue to pop pills that are suppose to make me a better person. I really hope it is working though I am not quite sure.
Well I think that can explain me a little or at least to the point that hopefully you will understand. If you are reading this I guess I am sorry to you that you know me because despite my best efforts I will probably hurt you some kind of way with my mood swings. If you can except me for me and my flaws I thank you so much I really do need you. I sometimes don't want to talk to anyone but it doesn't mean that I am angry I just sometimes feel disconnected.
So here my new blog! I thought I about naming it naked to remind me to stay true to myself and stop trying to mirror what others want but, naked is kind of an inappropriate name being that I will be using this as a family blog so enjoy or not whatever you feel like I won't judge.
